Willingness is more significant than Weakness
It is pretty common that you reach the point where you don't even want to try for that goal anymore. You were too weak to reach them before so why would anything change now? Because you are worth more
Oh, for that extra energy. I volunteer on Wednesday nights at kids' church. One of the adults never fails to comment about how they ‘wish they still had that energy’ or ‘could take some of that little kid energy’ home with them. Energy is a finite resource, and it cannot be purchased. Sure we can heavily caffeinate, but it is not the same thing.
Most of us feel that if we just had that extra energy, we could start working towards those goals we have thought about off and on for a hot minute. A hot minute meaning a long time, like how long I go between dusting anything at my house. Most of us have worked on those goals more than once, but a part of ourselves seems to get in the way, and we end up back where we started or worse.
Popular belief would make you think that willpower is something you can tap into when you push yourself just the right way. But in reality, willpower can only thrive in a mental environment where you understand why you want to create change and that part of you that kept you from accessing that change.
Failure Enhancers: Past Habits, Patterns, and Emotions
Often change can be hindered by something from our past. It is tough to progress into a change when a piece of you is rooted in a pattern or habit that is no longer helpful. When we try to forget wounds that drove us to that pattern or habit, we deny parts of ourselves.
You cannot act like that part of you from the past was wrong to create that pattern. That 15, 20, 35-year-old you found something that worked for you then. There is no benefit to judging yourself with your current-day glasses on, just like there is no benefit to judging your 6-year-old self that ate buggers because you wouldn’t eat them now.
Failure Enhancers: Should Do’s
I often hear people use the words ‘should do.’ They know they should do ____ but aren’t and often shame themselves for not doing what they know they ‘should do.’ This is nothing new. We often beat ourselves up over all the should-do’s we haven’t seen through. We have started and stopped but have not been able to stay on the ‘should do’ path. This is because no one can drive on the correct path with a vehicle powered by shame and guilt.
You often run out of mental energy to keep pushing. You can’t power your changes should-do’s because they are not enough to keep you energized for the path, especially not when you beat yourself up mentally for taking a slight detour or short exit.
Finding the Path and Energy for Personal Wins
Neurobiologist Daniel J Siegel discusses the benefits of speaking kindly to yourself. His books offer compelling neuroscience research indicating that speaking angrily to yourself reinforces the neural pathways in the brain’s lower limbic region, blazing trails of pessimism and dumping neurochemicals associated with anxiety and fear throughout your body—making you feel far worse in the long run.
On the other hand, if you speak lovingly on behalf of a part of you that is feeling frustrated, you’ll feel better. This is not just a feel-good statement but is supported by research. A model called Internal Family Systems, developed by psychologist Richard C. Schwartz is a research-proven technique to help individuals understand the parts of themselves that keep them circling instead of driving off into the sunset on the road they know is the right one.
Schwartz noticed in his practice that people tend to talk about themselves in terms of “parts.” And they describe these parts as having different thoughts, feelings, and character traits, like individual members of a family.
In Boundaries for Your Soul, authors Cook and Miller use Internal Family Systems to frame a discussion on identifying the parts of your soul that are holding you back from growing, discovering your value, and pursuing your path in life. Cook and Miller note that large or small hurts, rejections, and traumas can take on extreme thoughts and feelings. And then those hurts, rejections, and traumas can cause you to behave in ways you wish you wouldn’t.
The goal is not to get rid of your soul’s parts—which would be impossible anyway—but to help them heal and grow by leading them with curiosity and compassion.
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within—Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I think this quote by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross beautifully illustrates that there is beauty in dark places when we can get in there and work through them. You can’t skip over the small or big rejections and traumas holding you back. Right now, your past might own you and your future. They have gotten in the way and will continue to get in your way until you lovingly address them instead of beating yourself up again.
The willingness to believe that something can change is the start of something new because you can’t have extraordinary days if you live every day ordinary. Part of getting back on the road you were meant to be on is accessing what is inside so you can progress. Then you will be able to partner with persistence to stay for the journey. You were made to do hard things. Hard things you do for yourself to get where you want to go are the best hard things you can do for yourself and those you love. Get excited. The best is yet to come.
DIG (Get Deliberate, Get Inspired, Get Going) Deep Action Steps:
Get Deliberate: A lot of this work is deep work that might be best done with a therapist that specializes in Internal Family Systems. Life can be difficult and complex, leaving us feeling stuck and alone so if that is where you are at seek out a guide who can put you on the right path and use the energy you to get you to a good starting point to work on those goals. You don’t even need to find one in your town, just your state because most clinicians now offer virtual services.
Get Inspired: If you want some inspiration I HIGHLY recommend Boundaries for Your Soul. They have lots of examples from their personal lives and patient’s lives that can be the inspiration for your own journey
Get Going: The next time you hear voices in your head criticizing you, telling you something about yourself focus on that part of yourself. Check in with the part of yourself that is talking and befriend it. Dig deep and start getting to know your inner voices so you can integrate them into a team that is working for you instead of fighting against each other.