Better Moms=Better World: Invest in Yourself and Raise Spectacular Humans
Stressed out moms create stressed out kids. Half of the children raised today are expected to experience depressive episodes. That can stop if we learn to prioritize selfcare so they will too.
You are worthy of your own time. You will not be able to advance yourself OR your parenting without focused time FOR yourself. I do not mean ‘doing something for me’ in the manner you see reflected in our first-world culture. Shopping, drinking wine, eating chocolate, watching a movie, taking a bubble bath, or reading by the fire are all examples of someone ‘doing something for me.’
If you are doing these activities to escape from your real-world stressors, they are not actually doing something for you—you are avoiding dealing with your real-world stress and anxiety. And this is how self-care and taking time for yourself get a bad rap because afterward, you have guilt. This guilt is misplaced and ill-guided because decreasing your stress and protecting your well-being is how we flourish.
What is Self Care?
Healthy self-care is the key to emotionally thriving in your life. Self-care is not so much what you do but WHY you do it. You need self-care if you feel constantly overwhelmed, anxious, and burned out. As a mom, you give to others and rarely take for yourself.
Compare this to our kids, or at least my kids. They have no issues spending time doing things for themselves. Most women forget or don’t see that they need to value themselves just as much as their family and definitely more than their work or housework. You cannot give out of an empty cup, and the more you try to scrape the bottom of that cup, the rougher and more used up you will feel.
Often, we ignore ourselves because we are doing things, stuff, or activities for our kids, spouse, pets, work, or the house. And yet we are still drowning at the end of the day with a mental list a mile long and the laundry basket sitting in the corner judging us for not folding it. We sacrifice for those we love. We make ourselves less and give to others more so they can thrive. But in doing that, we are caretaking and not caring for them.
Caring Vs. Caretaking
Caring for someone does not mean that you make their problems your problems to deal with—that is caretaking. We don't do for others what they can do for themselves. Otherwise, you are taking control of their problems, or they are controlling you. It ends up dishonoring you and dishonoring them as they no longer have the agency to deal with their problems. There are a lot of relationships where this can happen, but the one we are the most blindsided by is our relationship with our kids.
As someone who struggles to watch my kids struggle, I can tell you—this is hard. I remind myself of the saying, “prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.” We often attempt to construct the path rather than let children explore independently, make mistakes or even let them fail.
I have seen this play out poorly in the long run when I witnessed a co-worker calling to ensure a college grade was ‘fixed’ for her daughter. Her daughter said it was recorded inaccurately. It wasn’t, but even if it was, it was not the mom’s job to make sure that got changed. I have also taught several male friends in college how to operate a washing machine and fry an egg because their moms wanted them to focus on their school work and didn’t see how they were preparing their sons to be served by women after they left the house. Ouch.
It sounds ridiculous from this side of the parent-child relationship, where we have no personal investment. But it is very real in our parent-child relationship. Letting my kids make choices when it is developmentally appropriate and possible for them to do it is hard because they generally do it wrong, making it more complicated. As much as we want to help them, being an adult needs to be learned in pieces. This allows us to step back and take the time we need for ourselves to decrease day-to-day stress. Having boys cook dinner once a week, so they understand what meal prep looks like and how to eat well will help impress their future roommates or spouse. The time we spend caretaking for our kids does not help them become who they are meant to be, and it holds us back from investing in ourselves.
From Parenting to Becoming
I love the book Famous at Home's concept of becoming vs. parenting. The word becoming means “the process of coming to be something.” Why is becoming a better paradigm than parenting? Consider this quote from researcher and bestselling author Brené Brown in her book Daring Greatly:
“Who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger predictors of how our children will do than what we know about parenting. In terms of teaching our children to dare greatly in the "never enough" culture, the question isn't so much "Are you parenting the right way?" as it is: "Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up to be?”
Our children will become by-products of how we manage our emotions, treat ourselves, deal with stress and anxiety and engage the world around us.
In a double-blind study that analyzed two thousand parents against proven parenting skills, researchers Robert Epstein and Shannon L. Fox identified the top ten parenting skills that were most predictive of raising happy, healthy, and successful kids. They found rewarding positive behavior and punishing negative behavior ranked seventh. I will give all of us some time to let that sink in. The parenting skill most of us use, including my husband and me is only the seventh most important thing we can do to raise successful kids.
Number one is something we naturally do which is love our kids with words and actions. The second most important is managing our stress.
Stress Management is Self Care
Self-care is the deliberate practice of paying attention and taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional health. In order to have self-care you need to set up boundaries for having the time to make them happen. You are the best parent you can be when you manage your stress. As an added bonus, by prioritizing your self care you will be setting an example your kids will fall back on as they grow up.
You will need both internal and external boundaries in order for self care to be prioritized in your life. An external boundaries are communicating and following through on your boundary with other people. Internal boundaries is honoring the boundary for yourself. It includes promises you set with yourself and within yourself.
The moms I know and love struggle with internal boundaries of letting their work, kids, housework and spouse’s priorities become their priorities leaving little room for their own. They often allow their schedules to get filled by others without protecting the time they need to take for themselves.
Success with Boundaries for Self Care
Part one of setting boundaries is the communication of the boundary. Sounds simple, but it isn’t really—or at least not for me. I grew up in a family where I was loved, but communication was not something that was ever a priority or demonstrated. Yes, we talked, and we still talk, but clear communication was never done on purpose.
When I got married, I somehow thought my husband was a big jerk when he did not help make sure I could prioritize my self-care. This was because I never discussed it 😱😶. It turns out that I did not marry a mind reader, which is good because I do not always think charitable thoughts about him.
To create space for self-care, you must tell someone what you need and why you need it in simple terms. This conversation must be in person and without phones in the room. You need this conversation to be heart attack serious and clear. If you have a phone in the room, there will be less focused attention on the conversation. As Brene says, "Clear is Kind.”
Part two of establishing successful boundaries is the follow-through. This is where people make mistakes about boundaries so often, and it is the part I have messed up repeatedly. How do you know that you have screwed this one up? You know you have failed if you say that people continue to ignore your boundaries. They only ignore them if you let it slide and say nothing.
Your family probably🤞 doesn’t ignore them intentionally. Often they seem to be ignored because they forgot, and then you didn’t follow through with the reminder. Boundaries are not about what they choose to do or how they act. Boundaries are what you choose to do and how you choose to act.
In the trenches of the household doing the job of being a mom, it is easy to get clouded by the never-ending tasks and let yourself take a back seat. Your kids need to see you prioritizing your physical, mental, and emotional well-being by scheduling self-care. Let the kids put away their own laundry, and share the meal planning and meal prep with your spouse so you can take a scheduled destress, NOT an escape.
Remind them when your family forgets that this is your time for self-care. Set your boundary, and stick to it. You are decreasing your stress for them and yourself, so you can check those #1 (hugs, kisses, notes) and #2 (destress) boxes for raising the best adults ever.
DIG (Get Deliberate, Get Inspired, Get Going) Deep Action Steps:
Get Deliberate: Listen to this Podcast from Start from Joy on boundaries if you struggle with creating or understanding boundaries. I love everything this podcast puts out there and have learned so much from it and the hosts, Neal and Carly Samudre of Enjoyco. I am definitely a fangirl.
Boundaries for Your Soul is a great book about setting boundaries for yourself, especially if you have big or little traumas that are holding you in a pattern of repeating actions that hold you back. Consider finding a counselor if books or podcasts don’t work for you. Virtual sessions are generally an option, and many healthcare plans—even Medicare and Medicaid—will cover mental health appointments.
Get Inspired: Who are the fully grown teenagers you have met that just seem to adult well already? Call their parents and ask about what they emphasized at home. One of my favorite babysitters EVER is really good about setting boundaries around her commitments. She is going to be an amazing adult. She inspires me to continue letting my kids take on more responsibilities.
Get Going: If you are in a highly stressful time, you need healthy self-care rituals to sustain you. When it seems like you have no time for self-care, that is when you need it the most.
This is a fantastic read and reminder! Thank you!